I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
