Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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