Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
