tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
