She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I have feelings that need drinking.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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