I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
