Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
