i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
