their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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