My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
