Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
