I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
