I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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