Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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