so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
