Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
they're like a gay fantastic four
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
