You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize