Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
