So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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