I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
