Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
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I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
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Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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