He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
