we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
