I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
