Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
