An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
