BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
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FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
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We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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