This is not my ceiling
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
