you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
