My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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