New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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