I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
