fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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