I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
