So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
