and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
