Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
