I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
