I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
