it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
