Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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