Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
