I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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