I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
