The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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