So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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