How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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