you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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