Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
