It's Friday. Sex?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
