I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
