I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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