my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
