God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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