My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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