I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Did you pee in the oven last night??
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
