brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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